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I only smile because I'm told I have to , not because I want to.


January 20th, 2010

(no subject) @ 05:55 pm

i am actually at this very moment in a crazy GOOD MOOD
its the happiest i have been in sooo long
and its all because of the fact that i have been left alone from my parents today
like i have just been so happy
blasting music and singing along to songs from musicals (i am kinda a huge fan of musicals)
and i will get onto broadway one day!

sometimes idk i just feel like when i wished to float away to a happy place i actually did

OH BUT MY BROTHER COULD LEARN TO KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING MY ROOM JUST SAYING
(sorry that was my period emotions talking)
 

January 18th, 2010

(no subject) @ 02:46 pm

my father doesnt realize that things he says gets to me
he yells at me for fucking everything
  1. my hair being a little greesy (exuess me for having a tennis match)
  2. me having my period (sorry mother nature decided that she wanted me to have it ...i dont control that)
  3. me loosing a tennis match (you cant win everything dad)
  4. me having homework (oh yeah cause ya know i personally want to have homework)
and because he says shit to me i start to cry
and because i start to cry i go sizzor friendly
and i cut myself
and if he were to ever find out i cut myself then i would be in deep shit
he would send me far far away and so i could never see him again
because he would be ashamed of me
 

January 17th, 2010

The convo between me and mike last night @ 05:12 pm

after the shit with mike last night he tries to fucking apologize ....It makes me sound really bitchy but i was reallly hung over and the things he said reallly got to me
_______________________________________________
MIKE January 16 at 6:36pm
Okay so first off okay I get that it wasnt u. It was cj it just always seems ur backing him up in everything! i dont know why it just does. anyhow. IM SORRY I DIDNT GET IN CONTACT WITH U! OMG! i had so many freaking things i was doing at once and i didnt think about it. I FORGOT THERE YOU GO. SORRY. it was jampacked in the back of my brain and i forgot! it happens.
Okay... as far as the ROTATING thing goes. NOT TRUE. I NEEDED SPACE FROM DON AMBER AND ELIF AND THE GANG. that doesnt mean i just talked to u because of that? i thought we had fun on that day. i know i did. I was able to talk to u guys about everything and stuff and it was fun.
I got over my need for space and me don and amber and all were still friends...with cjs fite with them i felt i needed to "share" time with u guys. do something with them one day and cj/u another day. but i was wrong seeing as U DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG SAM. and im sorry. u shudve been included in both cuz they didnt not like u! effectively i tried to hang out with both of u guys seperately cuz of cjs anger towwards them.
I was very wrong and i apologize.
I have weird habits with my friends and thats just me. I want this to end so we can work this out. I love u just as much as all my friends and in me calling u that name...it was the heat of the moment and u know i dont think of u in that way!
Samantha  January 16 at 7:12pm
w.e
Mike January 16 at 7:15pm
thats all u have to say. after everything i just said? =/..
Samantha  January 17 at 2:54pm
did i not tell you last night that i was going to a party ad that i would resolve things with you when i got home if i was still sober? ...i was not sober when i got home last night mike therefore i did not work things out with you because i knew i would use a few words so please before you go commenting to a conversation that had nothing to do with you what so ever , please remember what i had told you before hand
Mike  January 17 at 3:24pm
u were talking to her soberly???? im confused...?
Samantha January 17 at 3:26pm
i talked to her at i think it was like what 230ish...,i slept for a good 2 hours before waking up and talking to her...and i know damn well that you werent gonna be up at 230 in the fucking morning so i wasnt gonna go off a bother reading this if you wereent on
Mike  January 17 at 3:27pm
okay sam. fine. watever.
so wat is ur response now? that ur sober. ?
Samantha  January 17 at 3:28pm
give me a god damn second to read it my god
Mike  January 17 at 3:29pm
okay.
Samantha January 17 at 3:50pm
ohkay hello moron...my parents were watching over my shoulder so yeah i couldnt respond idiot.....good friends do not FORGET about friends mike especially not if you had made plans with us first
you dont invite christian and i ANYWHERE any more...you invite us places when you want to get away from donald amber and elif...beause you cant tell me that is incorrect because that was the only time in like 2 months that you have asked us to hang out with you and you had cleearly stated it was because amber and don and elif were annoyin you
and as the name calling went i did not say anything to you until you called me a bitch who doesnt care about anyone but herself....i would have never said anything to you or about you if you had not said that....because you know me better then that ...i dont personally like to fight thats my best friends job not mine....i have to keep in in order on occasions but if someone says shit to me or about me i will go and fucking flip a shit and thats just the way i was raised
Mike  January 17 at 3:53pm
okay. hi. so alritey thats true! i dont. because of cjs not talking to them how can i? i was forced to share u guys. and i stated above i was sorry because they werent mad at u and u shudnt have been included in that. for that apologize.
and i just really want to drop this. uhh i hate fiting. i wont be talking to cj anymore so this will be avoided for the future no more drama. i feel if i dont speak to him its better because all he does is curse me out .. plus everything so i just dont wanna be friends with him anymore.
and okay. i get that. we were BOTH out of place.
Samantha  January 17 at 4:23pm
mike what you dont understand tho is you cant just fucking act like cjs best friend one week end and then go and blow him off the next....because he thought u guys were back to being good friends again but u blew that so badly because last weekend u were all oh HUGS I LOVE YOU GUYS...this weekend its OH I HATE U GUYS IMA JUST BLOW U OFF THO PLAY WITH DON AND AMBER
 
Mike  January 17 at 4:25pm
THATS SO NOT TRUE. I WENT TO PLAY TENNIS WITH BOTH OF U GUYS. . FOR GOD SAKES I NEEDED SPACE FROM THEM OMG!!!!!!!!! U NEVER INVITE ME ANYWHERE!?!??! WHY DO I HAVE TO ALWAYS BE THE ONE TO COORDINATE EVERYTHING OMG idc anymore. IVE tried to work this out. im done. i dont know how much more i can apologize for this. watever.....!!!!!!!
Samantha  January 17 at 4:32pm
okay be done and u can go fucking fuck yourself because we called u and u didnt answer in common fucking curdesy that you call the people you made plans with first ....you dont just go and tell us you were gonna play with both of us ausee tahts bull shit....u knew u were going there to play with them dont fucking go that way with me becaus honestly ur just gonnna get everyone against me anyway so its really not worth my energy
Mike  January 17 at 4:35pm
sam everyone is already fed up with ur and Cjs crap....i dont have to do anything anymore.. elif don and amber LOVED christians status yesterday. dont expect to be talkin to us again.....=/. u guys lost it over a stupid issue... something PATHETIC to argue over. so im grown up here. not u cuz i got over it. ur too imature to move past it.
Samantha  January 17 at 4:43pm
MIKE ITS ABOUT THAT! ITS ABOUT YOU BEING A HYPOCRITE....I REALLY DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU BECAUSE HONESTLY YOU KNOW ITS NOT LIKE ME TO GET FUCKING PISSED ABOUT ANYTHING...I HAVE A BEST FRIEND WHO CAN GET PISSED AT EVERYTHING THAT IS NOT MY WAY OF VIEWING SHIT.....I GENERALLY LIKE TO THINK OF MYSEFL AS BEING HAPPY AND OUT GOING ...AND I GENERALLY LOVE LIFE....YOU MAKE ME HATE IT....CAUSE HOENSTLY I WONDER WTF YOU SAY BEHIND MY BACK .. U FUCKING ACT LIKE U RUN THE FUCKING WORKLD WHEN YOU DONT
Mike  January 17 at 4:46pm
IM NOT A HYPOCRITE!!!!!!!!!!! CJ IS A SICK PERSON.I DONT TALK ABOUT ANYONE BEHIND THERE BACKS!?!??!. ...U ARE NORMALLY HAPPY AND OUTGOING BUT THIS ARGUEMENT IS SO STUPID! IT MAKES NO SENSE!?!?!?!? I DONT ACT LIKE I DO THAT OMG!!!! I cant anymore with this. is this fite over? or have we said our last words because i dont wanna fite anymore and i just wanna be friends. but idk? which is it?
Samantha January 17 at 1:56pm
MIKE YOU SURE AS HELL TALK ABOUT PEOPLE BEHIND THEIR BACKS DONT EVEN TRY THAT ONE....BECAUSE I CAN GEET HUGE ASS cHAT LOGS THAT GO BACK A HELLA FAR ABOUT YOU TALKING ABOUT EVERYONE BEHIND THEIR BACK S...AND YOU HAVE YET TO APPOLOGIZE FOR ANY SHIT YOU SAID TO ME.....I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT IT....UR SO FUCKED UP
Mike  January 17 at 5:07pm
watever. im done with the drama.
Samantha January 17 at 2:10pm
good cause im done with u ....u said things to me that made me go home and cry...so honestly I DONT GIVE A FUCKING SHIT

 

well @ 01:57 am

today marks the day that i ended my friendship with mike
because that ass cant fucking go around callling me a heartless souless bitch and then have the nerve to shove me and then fucking expect me to be friends with him again...cause he goes and tries to fucking appologize yeah FUCK THAT SHIT

so i was home and i was all depresssed and to top it off my dad comes in and goes
"Samantha you were so pretty a few years ago when you had gotten into your stronge friendships with *****, **** and ***** "
"you were so popular back then samantha and you just had such a shine to you"
those lines made me cry so god damn much...because i was never happy being friends with them
and i was only friends with them because my parnets were friends with their parents
ugh i just wish i was happy again
will i ever be?

like i wish i had my core girls again
but right now it feels like everyone i could rely on is fighting with one another
and i feel like all i have is my sizzors and my strength to starve
so all i have been doing is cutting and binging unforuntaly
 

January 11th, 2010

SWEET 16 TRIPP @ 10:10 pm

OMG IM SOO EXCITED
WE FINALLY PLANNED IT AND WE ARE GOING JULY 4TH-JULY 11TH
ON A CRUISE FOR 8 WHOLE FUCKING DAYS
AND THAT MEANS I HAVE LIKE 6 MONTHS TO GET IN INCREDIBLE LOOKING CONDITIONS
AND MY MOM IS ALL OBSESSING OVER HOW MUCH WE WEIGH WHEN WE GO
ITS LIKE HAVE YOU NOT REALIZED I AM OBVIOUSLY GOING TO TRY TO LOOK GOOD?
SHE IS LIKE WE WILL ONLY EAT HEALTHY SAMANTHA ELLEN
WE WILL ONLY PICK 1 DAY TO EAT LIKE SHIT (MINES GONNA BE EITHER FRIDAY OR SATURDAY)
AND WE NEED TO GET GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP (NO SHIT SHERLOCK)
UGHH I HATE HOW HER AND MY DAD OBSESS OVER HOW MUCH I WEIGH WHEN THEM COMBINED ='S ATLEAST 750 POUNDS
SO I WILL BE ATLEAST 115-120 WHEN I GO ON THIS TRIP
I CANT REALLY WEIGH MYSELF RIGHT NOW THOUGH CAUSE IM GOING ON MY PERIOD
BUT MY STATS LAST TIME WERE
HEIGHT- 5 FOOT
HW-188 LBS
CW- 177LBS
GW # 1 - 150 LBS
GW # 2 - 135 LBS
GW # 3 - 120 LBS

THIS WILL HAPPEN BY JULY
BECAUSE I WILL WHERE A BIKINI BY THEN
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY ENITRE LIFE
(WOW I JUST NOTICED I WROTE THIS ENTIRE THING IN CAPS ....OOPS!!)
 

January 2nd, 2010

these are the things i write in my confession box @ 11:47 pm

**this box is where i write things that i am thinking usually like once a month....so here are the things i had in there for 2009**

~Alyssa really scares me sometimes (4-11-09)
~I always feel bad when something happens to an old person (4-11-09)
~Hannah Montanna is secretly really good (4-11-09)
~I dance so that my parents have to pay attenion (6-24-09)
~When people get attcked for looks or being gay it gets me really upset (6-24-09)
~I wish my family would notice how great i am at tennis instead of obsessing over my cousins lax 24/7 (4-11-09)
~I wish the people i talk to lived near me cause then i would feel loved..even though i know if they lived here they wouldnt talk to me (6-24-09)
~I refuse to be fat anymore, i will be skinny (8-30-09)
~I am offically going to try, i cant take this life no more (8-30-09)
~As much as shay lies and lies i will still always care (8-30-09)
~If seb wasnt around to talk to and be given advise by i would already be dead (8-30-09)
~I attempted to purge for my first time today, it didnt work, i ust couldnt (8-30-09)
~When my grandmother makes remarks about me not going to religion it really hurts me (4-11-09)
~Sometimes i wish i was pregnant cause i figure the baby will love me (4-11-09)
~I feel as if nothing i do can please my family (4-11-09)
~I am fat and disgusting (8-30-09)
~The words seb say to me really usually touch my heart (8-30-09)
~I wish i was skinny that way i could feel accepted in my family (8-30-09)
~IF seb lived in my town i would date him (8-30-09)
~Jacob is sooo nice, i wish him and seb would date they would be the nicest couple (8-30-09)
~If i were to die tomorrow no one would give a shit (8-30-09)
~I always feel bad for seb weather it be because of him getting picked on or because of him getting yelled at (8-30-09)
~i pray to god i will die just so i cant be screamed @ anymore (4-11-09)
~Seb has such a big heart..i would do anything for him (8-30-09)
~Talking to my online friends makes me feel okay.. like life is gonna be okay (4-11-09) - yeah i know its weird
~I try to excell at tennis so that my parents will be proud. Even tho i know they will never fully be (6-24-09)
~I <3 when people come out that they are gay (6-24-09)
~Seb is like the older brother i never had (8-29-09)
~I really do want the best for everyone (4-11-09)
~I wish i could be gay just so i could hae the strenght to come out (6-24-09)
~When seb told me his mother rhought he was a loser like my mother told me ..it really hurt me because i think seb is the sweetest person ever (8-30-09)
~I really wuish my mom and i could be friends (5-1-09)
~The day my father smashed a hair clip into my skull was the day i saw a face on my father i have never seen. I will always be scared of him (4-11-09)
~Ana is always on my mind (4-11-09)
~When cj texts jake the things i think ..i find it fun (6-24-09)
~Nicole is a good friend at heart even though she is annoying (5-1-09)
~My mom is the reason i hate stating in my house..she ust yells and makes life suck (4-11-09)
~Sometimes i wish my dad woudl die just so i can live a life w/o fear (12-29-09)
~cutting has its plusses and its minuses (12-29-09)
~Arsen is so fuckable (12-29-09)
~WHy i trust people online i have no idea (12-29-09)
~I personally love arsen so mch cause he allows me to flirt (12-29-09)
~new year = new friends (12-29-09)
~not all cutters are emo/scene (12-29-09)
~IF i am still fat in march then i refuse to go to florida with alyssa (12-29-09)
~I secretly sometimes wish death on my father (12-29-09)
~If my brother keeps hitting me i think 1 day he will snap and kill me (4-11-09)
~Talking to irvin is like having a personal theripist (4-11-09)
~Sometimes i get jelous the my friends talk to other cause im afraid of loosing them (4-11-09)
~Sometimes i like just to see if people care about me (4-11-09)
~i never went on kingda ka (4-11-09)
~I really wanna cut now so i can feel again (8-30-09)
~I started cutting but i really wish i hadnt (12-29-09)
~Sometimes i feel bad for my dad cause he is married to my ma (4-11-09)
~I wish i could have a relationship wit my ma like my friends have but she makes it so hard (4-11-09)
~I told lockey and irvin i was a druggy ust to have someone care about me (4-11-09)
~I am deathly afraid of never being loved cause i feel as if my family will never (6-24-09)
~i really do love my brother (4-11-09_
~Today when my mom caled me an ass hole to my dad i believed she really hated me (4-11-09)
~Jacob has such a heart of gold and should be able to love anyone (6-24-09)
~The day alyssa and Kasey left me at kristas i swore if they ever did that to me i would find new friends (5-1-09)
~I really do love when people obsess over my Brooklynn accent (12-29-09)
~I felt bad lieing to mike about my cutting but i had to (12-29-09)
~I wish i could tell arsen what goes on w/me but i cant (12-29-09)
~I have no trust in any adults (12-29-09)
~My cuts just symbolize my struggles (12-29-09)
~cutting cant heal everything (12-29-09)
~Seb had changed and its annoying (12-29-09)
~People think its creepy that i talk to people online cause they dont know them (12-29-09)
~I will be 120lbs in march (12-29-09)
~It bugs me when people think im lieing about cutting and the way i feel (12-29-09)
~It irks me that my dad constantly talks about my weight (12-29-09)
~When people call others pedo's it bugs me cause most people arent at all (12-29-09)
~Im exicted to leave my interent life behnd me (12-29-09)
~Im scared shitless of asking for help (12-29-09)
~ I worry that because im fat my parents dont have alota money (12-29-09)

and there are legit explanations for all of these
 

I only smile because I'm told I have to , not because I want to.