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I only smile because I'm told I have to , not because I want to.

July 30th, 2011

(no subject) @ 01:34 pm

rachael was telling me how i need to go out and have funn
and i was like well i cant because i have to stay home and make sure that my house doesnt fall apart
and well im done
because i wanna go outa nd get high and ughhh
i want to go and have a life

February 4th, 2010

(no subject) @ 04:36 pm

another fight with dad
dad tells his friends
friends son comes to talk to me
i find out

i cut i take i think it was 8-9 advil at the end of the night
plus benadril and shit so i could fall asleep
i dont care anymore

January 31st, 2010

(no subject) @ 10:17 pm

so lately i have been cutting
and not just littel tiny little cuts
no i ahve been cutting so bad that they go all the way from my wrist to my elbow
i think i am really just done
i think i am really just so badly wanting to end my life that i dont even think about it anymore
i think its just everytime something shtity happens i run to the sizzors
i kinda think that i wanna just get caught
and i just wanna go and get help
i have been taking 4-6 advil every like 3 hours because it just allows me not to feel anything for a little while
my knee is still fucking but who cares anymore?
i guess i will always just be fucked in the head
also i have been watching the show intervention and yeah i <3 it!

so more cutting here i come :/

January 30th, 2010

(no subject) @ 01:02 am

well for this second i love my daddy...
him and i dont really get along all that well most of the time
but i am always going to be a daddys girl
no matter how much he used to hit me and yell and scream at me i am always a daddys girl...
as much as he might go out and get drunk with his friends every night my mom goes to work i am still a daddys girll..
this is becausee today he knew i was upset and he knew i was crying
so he felt really bad that he has been sooo horrible to me lately
(throwing shit at me and then fucking being a totally ass hole because work is stressing him)
also he felt bad he never got me anything for making it to states in tennis
and a bunch of other things
so he went out today and came back with a new laptop for me
i know that soudns spoiled but i legit NEVER get anything from my dad
he leaves the house at 6am and doesnt get home until 6pm and then i leave for dance at 430pm
so i dont see him...but if my mom is working then he leaves again at 730pm and i get home at 1130pm nd he doesnt get home until i go to bed WAY after 1230.....
and thats how the cycle continues

but i love him regardless :/
p.s at the moment he is downstairs drinking with 2 of his friends and there are more to come over and spend the night....its 1am ...my brother and his friends will be sleeping in my room with me because my dads friends will  be spending the night so they need my brothers room cause the couch will be filled :/

oh well....it should be fun anyway ...hopefully we can score some vodka or something ...PARTY IN MY ROOM!


January 29th, 2010

(no subject) @ 08:37 pm

ughh fuck this mother fucking shit
i hate people and just wish to dispear
mike today claims he didnt lay a hand on me and got his followers to agree
but he is only saying that because i said if i really wanted to i could just fucking tell the school and get them on his ass
i should have let my dad beat the shit outa his dad for what he did to me but i was nice and didnt

i told my dad that i really hate my town SO MUCh
and that i wish they would send me away to some random ass boarding school or something
because my town is just horrible
there are all these groups on facebook like join  "if you hate **** **** " or "If you are from W**** ***** and hate everyone in it"
its like serioulsy a cult
because everyones parents grew up here
so everyone is going off of there parents status

i was talking to a few of my friends and they are like "i dont even bother going out anymore because of all the drama"
its good to know im not alone then
except when im home i cut because im upset
and yeah cutting today was the most fun i have had in days

January 27th, 2010

(no subject) @ 10:08 pm

alright well my new life starts right now
as of now i dont give 2 shits about what peole think about me
because i am going to live my life in hte most fun way i can
and if that means me getting looked at differently then so be it
i dont really care anymore
because people can make fun of me or they can see the fun from my eyes and join me
all i want is a friend
and if that means making fake friends then i would rather be a loner
i will just wait until the day comes where people accept me for me
and until that time comes i will just live my life in my own fashion
and so when i die i will know i died leaving behind the most fun days of my life

January 26th, 2010

(no subject) @ 11:24 pm

             so back after mike hit me i decided to give him another shot at being friends again...
yeah well he just fucked that up BIG TIME....him and my best friend cj are fighting big time...(cj fights with like the world always)
so me and like 7 of my friends arranged to meet at the tennis courts tomorrow right after our midterms to work this shit out ...(the tennis courts is where we always go if we need help with anything...we always call each other and just assume the tennis courts) and mike goes "well samm i am not going to let the other 2 girls just go and get yelled at"....so i went to mike and was like "dude so its alright for you to fucking scream at me and then fucking raise your hands to me? something cj would never do a day in his life ...he was raised better then that" (cj was raised by both my family and his....just like i was raised by his and mine....we are like that close) but mike ofcourse has to make rules that only apply to others and not himself....so tomorrow its now only me and mike and cj and 1 of the girls named amber going to the courts tomorrow to talk....these fucking people have no idea what to do with their lives except to start and get involved with drama....
       i personally want to go back to my old friends that were big into drugs and doing shit things....i like miss them...because with them there was no drama....if you had a problem with someone you came out and said it to their face and things were settled right there at that moment...there was no talking behind someones back and starting shit...if you did that you would have the shit beat outa you and that would end everything and you would go back to loving each other the next second....ofcourse i tried to seperate myself from them because i didnt want to see my life going down the road it was headed (i used a shitload of different drugs in my 15 years ) but the group of people im hanging out with now make me miss my druggy friends SOOOO god damn much....tomorrow night at 9 i am going out with some of my old friends and we are going "behind the stores" which is basically a spot behind a big shopping center and there are like woods and creaks you have to cross and its basically just where all the burn outs of my town hang out...but those people are the most genuine people on the face of this earth and i miss them SOOOO MUCH....i would die for those people....i think i am just going to start hanging with them again and then just tell them i dont wanna use.....maybe just pot once in a while but no more cigs or anything because dance and tennis means to much to me for me to start smoking.....

January 25th, 2010

(no subject) @ 09:25 pm

i am a fuck up nd i know it
there is a difference between being a me and being normal
and i know that

god i am sooo confused
and i just need someone i can talk to and trust
i just dont feel like i have that anymore

i have been listening to songs that have to deal with TWLOHA
(to write love on her arms)
its the awarness for self injury depression addiction and pretty much everything bad people do
i ofcourse fit into all o those catagories

i just wish i wasnt sooo damn differnt
and i wish i wasnt sooo damn confused

January 24th, 2010

(no subject) @ 09:06 pm

well i just too a shower and i just sat down a cried ...and cut but yeah thats different story
and this was all because me and my dad had a talk today
we talked about how bitchy the girls in my town were
because back a few years ago i told my dad that i had really wanted to move outa my town becuse i couldnt handle the bitchiness
because in my town everyone knows everything about everyone and its all because of the parents
its all because everyone who lives heres parents grew up heere
like my dads best friends stil live here
like all the jocks from my dads time are still here and their sons try to rule the shit
so my dad and my best friends mom were talking and my friends mom was like this town has wayy too many cliques....and that she wanted to pack up and leave
and honestly i am a very artsey person and i personally and i love to like dance and i love to draw and i love to paint and my town is too based off of sports...i cant wait to go to college and go to the city because honestly in the city it is ALL artsey people and i want to go to FIT college and ughh

i just absolutly HATE MY TOWN
and if i didnt live here i would be soo much happier


January 22nd, 2010

(no subject) @ 05:36 pm

im fucking bored
i am sooo fucking pathetic
i have no fucking plans on a friday night
like seriously how badly did i fuck up my life
i have seriously fucked up every friendship i have ever had
and so what does that get me?
a fucking sad pathetic self
who is sitting home on a god damn friday night ALONE
watching tv and on the computer..
how fucking pathetic

i just hate what i have let myself become
and its sooo frustrating
and soooo pathetic
so i get to sit on the couch with my sick mother
and listen to her complain


I only smile because I'm told I have to , not because I want to.